falling deeper into darkness

I feel I am falling deeper in this despair, this darkness. I don't know how recover I don't know how to go on. I feel I am going. I all want to do is go back to my normal life. I hate him for making me miss him. I hate him for making me dependent on his touch his closeness. I know it's only 2 weeks but it's too long. I have been to dependent on that constant and it's been ripped from me. I don't sleep much I don't eat much all I can do is exist. Wait for that phone call. Take care of our son the best I am able to right now. I feel guilty for feeling like this I know people have lost loves for longer, sometimes forever. I feel like it's forever. Yes I hear his voice everyday but I feel like he's died. I feel like I am in mourning. How can he do this to me? When did I lose myself to him? I have never been this involved. Last time he left it wasn't this bad. I didn't know if i truly loved him. I don't know what love is. Is this love? To miss him so much that I am barely me anymore? I am falling into that world I hate. The world I used to live in before him. The world of sorrow of sadness. Brought on by my loneliness. I reviled in this world before him. I didn't mind being locked inside my own mind. I loved my escape from the pain that I had on a daily basis. I feel the same pain I did then. The same pain that left the scars on my wrist and my legs. The pain that would leave as the blood dripped down my legs. What right does he have to bring these feeling back. What right did he have to make them leave in the first place. How could I let myself fall. I don't want this. I never did. He offered an escape from my pain and I took it. I never meant to fall for him. Before him boys, men they meant nothing but an easy fuck or and escape until I was bored. I used him to have my son. I married him to stay close and to make his ex-girlfriend jealous . What right does he have to change me. Why did I allow this to become more than a game for me. I never realized just how much I had become attached until it was gone. I don't understand when this happened. I know this sounds horrible but after a life time of pain caused by emotional and physical abuse I didn't love anything or anyone. I didn't love him.When did I start? All I can think of is him. How I miss him next to me at night. How I miss even his detachment. How could he do this to me. He doesn't pay much attention to me. Our fights are about how he is always on some video game or another. Why? Why me? Why did this happen? Why did I have to care? I used to be so happy on my own in my own little word. Now I hate him for making me lonely when he's not here. I used to have friends. Then we moved and suddenly they are gone. I guess they weren't really friends. I hate that I willingly followed him to this place. I hate that I am suffocating for being without him. Damn him! I don't know if I will pull myself from this. I want to be here int the darkness I want the pain to stop. I want to be close to him I don't want to be in the darkness alone. Damn him.  What right does he have to make me care? I could have been happy not caring but he broke that. He made me care. I hate him for that. I hate that when I was with him I didn't have a reason to cut. I hate that he just left and didn't take me with him. I hate him. I hate that all I want is for him to be sitting on the couch, in the bed. I miss his touch I miss his smell. I miss him. I love alcohol for its ability to stifle the pain. I hate alcohol for bring up the pain. I want to numb this hurt. I feel like I am mourning and he isn't even dead! What right does he have to do this to me! I can't take it anymore I am lonely I have no one to talk to no one cares. No one reads this and even if they did they would just dismiss it. I need someone I need help. I don't want to fall into my bitter darkness. I don't want to fall to pieces. I want someone to talk to. I need someone here with me. If not for me for my son. He needs someone better than me to help him. I don't want to abandon him. I can't do this anymore I can't hurt. I can't allow him to pull me in and break down that wall and then leave me. I hate him for this and I think I love him. What is love anyway? I don't even know what sleep is anymore. I don't know what hunger is anymore either. I am stuck here in this horrible place alone with just Connor and I feel bad that I am not strong enough for him. I hate that man for doing this to us.