STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS

does anyone want to change lives with me for a couple days???? I just need a break from stress and we are almost definitely going to make an offer on the house *bangs head against wall* "is it over yet?"  

Found out there are no offers on the house I want....did I tell you I picked one out? well I did LOL soooo we are going to go a head and make an offer. They are asking for 92,500 but I am not sure what we should offer never done this before LOL I am waiting for who I am calling our realtor in training to call Peter our actual realtor that I have never met and they are going to decide a ball park figure of what we should offer. OMG I am sooo anxious I would like a call immediately but it never seems to happen that way. *sigh* 

Food poisoning is the worst ever, I was fine Saturday night but when I woke up Sunday morning it was like instant flu there were times that I wished for death because it would have been less painful *sigh* but Connor and I are better now I am not 100% but I feel pretty. Trying not to over do it though cause I don't want to go back to feeling horrible. 

Talked to a real estate agent today! Super excited to start on this journey!!! Found a house that I love already it's my "pie in the sky" home! LOL BUT and it's a big BUT it's in a bad neighborhood :/ but it's 4 bed 2.5 baths for 85k  :)   http://www.ziprealty.com/property/3525-19TH-AVE-Sacramento_AND_Elder-Creek-CA-95820/M-11030173-MFMLS/detail    <---here is the link check it out let me know what you think

Buying a house.......

We are waiting to see if we pre-qualify for a loan after that we can seriously start looking! We are keeping it under 90,000 and there are already a few places that I like. Plus the mortgage + taxes and insurance will be less than what we are paying now for rent. we also already pay for electric, gas, water, trash, and sewage we might as well do it in our own house! LOL I will keep posted and let everyone know if we get anywhere :)

I have been thinking that maybe all of my posts are downers or make it seem like I am a negative person. This is not necessarily the case, in real life I am very quiet and keep most of my issues to myself so I use this blog as sort of a release or a diary of my feelings. It is important for me to have an outlet that I can express myself with out directly hurting those around me. It seems like this is a great way to do that plus I can get the occasional feedback from readers which I greatly encourage. I mean hey if you need to vent to go right a head!! I love to listen to peoples problems and issues, it makes me feel good if I can help them in some small way even if it is just listening sometimes that is all we need. I think if I only posted positive things it wouldn't be a true reflection of me I would be intentionally leaving out something that I would force myself to keep inside. I want to post the good and the bad because together they are me! So for a funny uplifting ending, my husbands sister and I had this exchange last night; Me: "What kind of puppy did you get?" J: "Half K9 Half American Bulldog" Me thinking to myself: "what?????" Me: "K9" "Like a police dog?" J: "ya!" Me: "ohhh A German Shepard" J:"ya I have to go I am going to be now" Me: (bust up laughing) saying to my husband "I guess when all you see of them is the K9 on police cars as they are hauling off your boyfriends that is what you think they are called!" It still makes me kind of giggle when I think about it.

COVERGIRL

COVERGIRL is having their 50th anniversary! 50 WOW!

Pregnancy and stuff

So Mario and I have been trying for another baby since April of '09. with no success. About 4 months after Connor was born I ended up having my left fallopian tube removed due to an infection. My doctor told me that I would still be able to get pregnant and that it shouldn't effect me. I am also over weight, and I know that has a lot to do with it. I don't have regular periods anymore, last year I went 9 months without one. My doctor told me if I lost weight that I wouldn't have any problems, but losing weight has proved to be very challenging. I hate this because Connor was conceived the first month we tried with no problems. I keep seeing people around me getting pregnant easily and I want to be happy for them, but instead I am completely jealous. I would give anything for just 1 more baby but I have been preparing myself, because it will probably never happen. Is it ok to feel jealous?

Sad times

It seems like all I post on here is vents or general "downer" stuff, I wish I could say today was going to be different but it's not. On Friday my husbands little sister gave birth at 20 + weeks to a still born baby boy, I can not begin to imagine how hard this time must be for her and the baby's father. They are making funeral arraignments and I am going to try to make the 2 and a half hr drive to be there for her. I think that is really the only thing I can do is just be there for her...

Waiting........

As I sit here tentatively waiting to know the fate of the budget and whether we will have a government shutdown I am reminded once again that the people who were elected in Washington don't give a shit about the lives the affect. They all want to be right and don't care who they hurt in the process. Why is this such a big deal to me?? Because my husband works for the IRS as a federal employee. His job is considered non essential. I feel I should explain this term since I have seen many people thinking if they are non-essential then why not cut it all together. The government defines non essential employees as all others that can't keep the country "stable" during this time. Basically your health and public safety are they only ones who will be at work. Though this does not mean they are getting paid. On the contrary they will be required to work without pay until they have finalized the budget. I also want you to think about the workers going on mandatory furlough. I have a son, rent, car payment, insurance (for the car), and electric and gas bills, among others. Why should I have to chose between putting a roof over my sons head or feeding him?   This government is only out to service themselves and each side feels the need to prove they are the right ones. But in the end when there are people who are homeless and kids are going without essentials who wins? Because it certainly isn't the American people. It's enough to make me want to move to another country one where I would have to worry as much. Japan is sounding better and better *sigh* Oh and federal employees aren't allowed to have an opinion on this we are supposed to just lie down and take it.

falling deeper into darkness

I feel I am falling deeper in this despair, this darkness. I don't know how recover I don't know how to go on. I feel I am going. I all want to do is go back to my normal life. I hate him for making me miss him. I hate him for making me dependent on his touch his closeness. I know it's only 2 weeks but it's too long. I have been to dependent on that constant and it's been ripped from me. I don't sleep much I don't eat much all I can do is exist. Wait for that phone call. Take care of our son the best I am able to right now. I feel guilty for feeling like this I know people have lost loves for longer, sometimes forever. I feel like it's forever. Yes I hear his voice everyday but I feel like he's died. I feel like I am in mourning. How can he do this to me? When did I lose myself to him? I have never been this involved. Last time he left it wasn't this bad. I didn't know if i truly loved him. I don't know what love is. Is this love? To miss him so much that I am barely me anymore? I am falling into that world I hate. The world I used to live in before him. The world of sorrow of sadness. Brought on by my loneliness. I reviled in this world before him. I didn't mind being locked inside my own mind. I loved my escape from the pain that I had on a daily basis. I feel the same pain I did then. The same pain that left the scars on my wrist and my legs. The pain that would leave as the blood dripped down my legs. What right does he have to bring these feeling back. What right did he have to make them leave in the first place. How could I let myself fall. I don't want this. I never did. He offered an escape from my pain and I took it. I never meant to fall for him. Before him boys, men they meant nothing but an easy fuck or and escape until I was bored. I used him to have my son. I married him to stay close and to make his ex-girlfriend jealous . What right does he have to change me. Why did I allow this to become more than a game for me. I never realized just how much I had become attached until it was gone. I don't understand when this happened. I know this sounds horrible but after a life time of pain caused by emotional and physical abuse I didn't love anything or anyone. I didn't love him.When did I start? All I can think of is him. How I miss him next to me at night. How I miss even his detachment. How could he do this to me. He doesn't pay much attention to me. Our fights are about how he is always on some video game or another. Why? Why me? Why did this happen? Why did I have to care? I used to be so happy on my own in my own little word. Now I hate him for making me lonely when he's not here. I used to have friends. Then we moved and suddenly they are gone. I guess they weren't really friends. I hate that I willingly followed him to this place. I hate that I am suffocating for being without him. Damn him! I don't know if I will pull myself from this. I want to be here int the darkness I want the pain to stop. I want to be close to him I don't want to be in the darkness alone. Damn him.  What right does he have to make me care? I could have been happy not caring but he broke that. He made me care. I hate him for that. I hate that when I was with him I didn't have a reason to cut. I hate that he just left and didn't take me with him. I hate him. I hate that all I want is for him to be sitting on the couch, in the bed. I miss his touch I miss his smell. I miss him. I love alcohol for its ability to stifle the pain. I hate alcohol for bring up the pain. I want to numb this hurt. I feel like I am mourning and he isn't even dead! What right does he have to do this to me! I can't take it anymore I am lonely I have no one to talk to no one cares. No one reads this and even if they did they would just dismiss it. I need someone I need help. I don't want to fall into my bitter darkness. I don't want to fall to pieces. I want someone to talk to. I need someone here with me. If not for me for my son. He needs someone better than me to help him. I don't want to abandon him. I can't do this anymore I can't hurt. I can't allow him to pull me in and break down that wall and then leave me. I hate him for this and I think I love him. What is love anyway? I don't even know what sleep is anymore. I don't know what hunger is anymore either. I am stuck here in this horrible place alone with just Connor and I feel bad that I am not strong enough for him. I hate that man for doing this to us.